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Turning 20


Today I turn 20. I write this out of an extremely dirty house in Sarita Vihar as I sit here alone in a 3 bedroom apartment reflecting on everything that happened and make some changes for the next 365 days. My phone is switched off because I wanted to spend my birthday with the only thing that will remain with me throughout the course of my existence on this planet: me. I sit here on this bed and look back at everything that has happened and let my heart out using this Macbook Pro keyboard to do justice to my experience of a long 20 years. With fast typing speeds, no re-reading or re-writing and the occasional tear, this is the unfiltered reflection of a (now) 20 year old.

During these 20 years, I've had the chance to meet some amazing people. But that's all I've had the chance for. I've met beautiful people but always with the clock running and our time ending no matter how much I try for it to not run out. My friends, teachers, people I've loved, coaches, people I look up to, my parents, mentors, classmates .... I'm extremely happy to have shared my time with all of them. All my life, I've been trying to hold on to things forever knowing that nothing on this horrible planet is meant to stay forever. I'm still searching. For those people who will stay for a very long time, accept me for who I am and share happiness with me as our times diminish. I'm hurt by everyone who I thought would stay forever but left and now I realise that this is how it is meant to be.

With this realisation, I come to terms also with acceptance. Accepting that even after trying, things may not always go your way and that's just the way it is. This unpredictability is what makes life such an exciting phenomena. You may expend your time, energy and money into something that may not turn out the way you wanted it to be and in the end, you really have no control over it. While I believe that you can tilt the probability of a situation in your favour, you are never the true master of your destiny and never will be. I haven't yet understood the forces that govern the world or the one supreme soul who is responsible for these decisions. I don't think any exist and it is just one of the flaws of this universe that we live in.

I've grown extremely detached towards people. Even writing this brings a tear to my eye. I'm scared of getting close to someone again only because it becomes so hard when they leave, which they do eventually. I've started pushing away people who are close to me simply because I can't deal with the thought of them leaving. I believe life is so much simpler with your own self and your passions to keep you engaged. People are a waste of time.

It's been quite some time since I've left social media and I'm extremely happy with my decision to do so. I want my interactions to be real, my words to be spoken and heard, the occasional human touch and the warmth that comes with it, my information to be self-discovered, my views to truly be mine and my life to remain mine with real stories that can be shared over real interactions.

I was sad for a lot of time during these 3 incredibly tough years. It's been hard to let go of the idea that you'll ever have a traditional family even though every thing existed just as it was supposed to 3 years ago. And now all that exists are fragments of memories. The separation and sheer fear of being out to fend for yourself hurt me. A lot.

This particular year was very weird. I did not want to go through the struggle of existing on this planet on countless days. This was really new for me. I've never felt so weak and ashamed of my own self. I don't know why I felt like this but I did. And I even visualised it. And it gave me peace. Ultimately, when it came down to taking the last step, I couldn't. I'm weaker than I imagined.

My existence lies beyond the four walls of this college, the two floors of my climbing gym, the geographical boundaries of this extremely mismanaged country and the limit of my current capabilities. I must understand this completely and strive to become a person who makes a difference in the world; seeing beyond the commonly held ambitions and using my capabilities for a more fulfilling life. This is my only goal as a 20 year old. To get out, to disappear. To run away from everything that has troubled me to this day to a better life.

I do grow incredibly lonely some days and even more so during this pandemic. I have failed to find a real friend or human who is genuinely interested in me and actually wants to interact with me. I see a barrier arising between me and my partner as well and I'm happy if she eventually decides to leave. I'm better off alone as a faulty piece stuck in the mess of this world.

But yep, this is me writing my heart out at 20. Addressing everything I've wanted to. To a fucking computer. Well, atleast this stays.

Goodbye 19 year old me. Goodbye teenager. Goodbye kid.

I really hope things work out. See you in 365 days,



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