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Learning To Say Goodbye


There was a period of time when I did not understand the necessity of human connections & relationships. I didn't even think of it as a pleasant activity to partake in. However, my life as an individual who moved out at the mere age of 17 led me to be a part of some beautiful relationships with wonderful people who have instilled a newfound respect for human connections within me. It's been an incredible journey through numerous relationships. Two, in particular, still leave me in states of confusion and uncertainties.

Relationships with human beings come in different levels. There's the distant acquaintance, the sporadic friend, the communicative partner & then there are these extremely special individuals. These individuals with whom you're intertwined with in a seemingly endless infinity; for reasons that remain unclear to me. Was it the context that deepened this connection? Or was it a little bit of luck? Or just unavoidable love?

Now, the phase where everything is hunky-dory isn't really something I'd want to write about here but it is the phase of letting go that has been an extremely delicate experience. Because, well, how can you let go? These individuals have shared with you the harshest of times & the peaks of your life. These individuals have shared, at times, every waking moment and every sleepy night in close proximity to you; to a point where both lives could be seen as one single life from a macroscopic view, dependent on the individual personalities that, at the same time, separate you so as to be distinguished as two distinct individuals.

In high school, I came across one of the doctrines of Buddhism which asserts what is commonly referred to as the "Law of Impermanence". The law states that, "All temporal things, whether material or mental, are compounded objects in a continuous change of condition, subject to decline and (eventual) destruction". Upon the acceptance of this law, I assumed that the inevitable end of my relationship with these two individuals (when the time arrived) would make it significantly easier to deal with. Boy, I was mistaken.

When the time arrived, rather recently for one of these two individuals, I felt the weakest I've felt internally. What was this? The logic, the knowledge; all of it was supposed to make it easier for me. But it just didn't. The teachings eluded me, left me exactly where I didn't want to be. Without answers.

So, what is this? How do I now separate myself from this collective life & identity that I shared with another human? What is the formula? Where do I find this? When memories are embedded in places, activities, situations, times, walls & virtually everywhere, how do you just wake up one day & start again? How do you fight the thought of these people now being happier in their new current lives? How do you accept that what you are now is just a mere fragment in their memory, slowly being replaced by new ones?

I do not yet know and hopelessly rely on time to be aware of an answer. Ironically, I wait in agony for the law of impermanence to set into motion for this situation; only this time, I'm desperate for it to arrive.


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